Only Here
by Zappy Zaps
Summary: Harry and B'Elanna try to get Tom to tell them about the nightmares that have returned. Set after 'The Chute'. P, P/T *UPDATED & COMPLETED*
1. Part 1

1 Only Here  
  
Part 1  
  
Rating for this part: PG  
  
Category: P, P/T Angst  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Paramount. No infringement intended but the story is mine.  
  
Archiving: Feel free to archive anywhere (though I'm not sure you would want to) (  
  
The doctor's been asking questions, again. 'How have you been sleeping Mr. Paris?' What am I supposed to say? 'Not at all Doc.' Yeah, right. That would go over really smoothly. Of course the doctor wouldn't be this concerned out of his own prerogative. It seems the captain is worried. I'm not telling him a thing if I have my way about it. Some things I won't tell. Some things I can't tell. Ever.  
  
Lt. B'elanna Torres walked tiredly through the barren corridors of Voyager. It was almost 0400 so she wasn't expecting to see any one. She had been up all night working on a problem in Engineering. It wasn't terribly important for the ship, but if she didn't finish it she would be tossing and turning all night unable to sleep still thinking about the new puzzle. Through her hours of work and testing she had forgotten to eat dinner. Her triumph in Engineering was short lived as her stomach reminded her and anyone within five meters that she had missed a meal. Relinquishing command of engineering to Vorik she headed to the Mess Hall for a quick bite to eat.  
  
At first when she entered the Mess hall she didn't see him but as she came out of the cooking area with some of the leftovers that Neelix leaves out for late night snackers she noticed the still figure in a corner of the dark room. At first she didn't recognize him but as she slowly approached she realised that it was none other than Tom Paris.  
  
He sat at the table with his back to the rest of the Mess Hall facing the viewport watching the stars streak by apparently lost in his own thoughts. However few that may be. Torres thought to herself. That wasn't fair and she knew it but she could rarely miss an opportunity to insult him. It was all in good fun though. It was a sort of game that they had between each other. However looking at him now seeming so lost and alone brought her no amusement.  
  
On the table in front of him were a few pads and an old fashioned hard covered book. He sat there completely still and completely silent. She wasn't even sure if he knew she was there. With he plate of food in hand she slowly walked closer to him. She was about to make her presence known but he beat her to it.  
  
"Hi." Was all he said without even turning around. He didn't know who was there but he knew that someone was behind him. B'elanna was a little startled at first but quickly recovered .  
  
"Hi, Tom." She said. Slightly unsure whether she had disturbed him and wondering how long he knew she was there. "Can I join you?" she asked cautiously  
  
"Sure." he said blandly as he began to clear his belongings for her to sit down. B'elanna sat down in the seat across from him. Tom picked up one of the padds and began looking through its contents. B'elanna noticed that his mask of unbridled pleasantness was not in place. In its place was a mask of cold steel that didn't let a single emotion past it. Because of that B'elanna was unsure whether her company was welcomed or not but she was never one to be easily deterred. For a few minutes neither of them said anything. Tom seemed content fingering through his padd (although it was hard to tell) and B'elanna was picking out the edible portions of Neelix's creation. As she was doing so her eyes wandered from he plate to Tom. She let her eyes wander up his body admiring his muscular chest to his broad shoulders, to his define jaw his beautiful facial feature, all the way to his gorgeous blue eyes that where staring right back at her. Tom hadn't been oblivious to her gaze. Tom cracked a small amused smile. Shaking his head slightly and still smiling, he went back to his padd. It wasn't a completely genuine smile but it was better than calm indifference that she had gotten from him so far tonight. Not wanting to leave things on an awkward note B'elanna decided to try and start a conversation. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?"  
  
"Shouldn't you?" 'TRY' was the operative word. B'elanna's light tone had no effect on his demeanour and he had answered her with the same calm indifference. Not wanting to give up her attempt to talk to him she pressed on.  
  
"I was working in engineering."  
  
A distracted "Uh huh" was all she got as a response.  
  
"And you are up because." she pressed him for and answer.  
  
"Couldn't sleep." Tom raised his eyes from the text on the padd to meet her eyes for a moment and then returned to what he was doing. Though in the brief moment that she stared into his eyes she realised that there was more to his insomnia than he was letting on. She wasn't totally sure however. With Tom Paris she was never sure what to think but he was her friend and maybe a bit more, so she wanted to make sure that he was alright so she continued.  
  
"How long have you been having trouble sleeping?" she asked like the concerned friend that she was. 'How about most of my life' would have been his immediate answer but he really wanted to drop the subject so he settled for:  
  
"A while." B'elanna was becoming slightly annoyed that he wasn't being very forthcoming but continued with her interrogation.  
  
"Maybe you should go see the Doctor and ask him about it. He may be able to provide a sleep aid to help you." Tom realised that she was only trying to help him and on almost any other night he would have been glad to talk to her but this conversation and his current mood was not making him very talkative.  
  
"B'elanna, I realise that your just trying to help me but it's nothing serious."  
  
"All right. Then when was the last time that you got a good nights sleep?" she was not about to let the subject drop. That was the first full sentence that she had heard from him that night. She was on a roll.  
  
"A good nights sleep." he trailed off.  
  
"Yes. As in six or more hours of it in a row." Tom thought for a while before he answered her question.  
  
"Look B'elanna I usually don't get more than four hours sleep a night so a bit less shouldn't matter." He said casually.  
  
"Four hours? That's it?" Tom just nodded his head once. "Why?"  
  
"Why what?"  
  
"Why don't you sleep for more than four hours?" This was the type of question he wanted to avoid answering. Tom took a breath that was deeper than normal and exhaled slowly. This is where B'elanna realized that she had hit a nerve.  
  
"I just can't sleep, that's all." His finger nervously tapping the side of the padd. B'elanna noticed the tell tail signs that he was uncomfortable about something and pressed on.  
  
"What's keeping you from sleeping?"  
  
"B'elanna its nothing!" Tom was starting to get agitated by her questions especially since they were getting a little too close to home.  
  
"Then get a sleep aid from the Doctor."  
  
"No!" he was getting angry that she would not drop the subject.  
  
"Why Tom?"  
  
"Just because!" he answered with anger in his voice.  
  
"Why?" She asked wit the same anger in her own. She wasn't really that angry but she hoped that with his lack of sleep and obvious discomfort she could get to slip up. And it worked.  
  
"Because you can't wake up!" he blurted out without thinking. B'elanna quickly put two and two together and continued their 'conversation' without missing a beat.  
  
"If your having nightmares Tom, then you should talk to somebody about it. It might help." Her tone much softer now. Tom opened his mouth as if to respond but thought better of it and closed it.  
  
Tom sat their looking at her trying to decide what was the best course of action and for a moment he almost considered talking to someone about his nightmares. That thought lasted only a fleeting moment. He decided that now was as good a time as any to terminate this conversation. He started collecting his things saying:  
  
"I'm going back to my quarters. Enjoy your meal Lieutenant." And he got up from the table adding "if you can." With the classic Paris smirk.  
  
"You should try and get some sleep Tom." Her anger totally dissipated leaving in its place only worry.  
  
Tom just smiled at her concern and exited the Mess Hall. He would usually jump at a chance to have a conversation with B'elanna but the topic of discussion was not ideal. Usually he would have been able to steer the conversation in a different direction. Replaying the conversation in his mind he saw several missed opportunities to smoothly change the topic. He had to remember these for the next time he saw B'elanna. He had a feeling that she would not let the subject of his sleeping habits drop. B'elanna was never one to give up easily. Still, I should have been able to keep my wits about me. He berated himself. I'm just tired, but I'm not going to sleep. I can't and I don't want to.  
  
B'elanna sat alone in the Mess Hall after Tom had left still looking at the doors where he had left several minutes earlier. His action confused her but tom had always been an enigma to her. Returning to her food she realized she wasn't hungry anymore and looking at the food didn't help either. How did I eat this? She thought to herself starring with disgust at the contents of her plate.  
  
Leaving the Mess Hall heading towards her quarters, her earlier thoughts on Tom's behaviour returned to her. Maybe Harry knows what's wrong with Tom. If it were not so late she would have gone to see Harry immediately but she didn't want to disturb him. She entered her quarters her thoughts still in turmoil and wondered how much sleep she would be able to get tonight.  
  
Tom Paris was walking through the deserted halls of Voyager with no intended destinations just as far from his problems that he could get. Then an idea occurred to him. "Computer, are either of the holodecks free?" he inquired  
  
"Both Holodeck one and Holodeck two are not in use." The computer responded. Tom wasn't surprised considering the late hour or early depending on which way you think about. He adjusted his course to take him to the holodecks. I can get in a few hours of rock climbing before my shift starts.  
  
When he reached the holodecks her ran his climbing program and disabled the safeties. To him the safeties took away the thrill of climbing.  
  
A little over two hours later Tom left the holodeck still feeling the adrenaline rush from climbing although he was slightly fatigued. He made his was back to his quarters. He had enough time to take a shower, change, get some breakfast in the Mess Hall and make it to the senior staff meeting at 0730. He made it to the Mess Hall at exactly 0704. Grabbing some breakfast and a cup of coffee he sat down at an empty table and picked through his breakfast. A few minutes later Ensign Harry Kim walked through the doors of the Mess Hall and after getting his breakfast, joined Tom at his table. They talked casually like good friends do until B'elanna joined them and changed the subject.  
  
B'elanna knew that she would probably not get another chance to confront Tom about his sleeping patterns with Harry present. She knew that Harry would be very concerned when he heard what she had to say and that he would back her up. Perhaps he might even listen and start to talk about what was bothering him. But that was just wishful thinking.  
  
"So Tom how did you sleep last night?" B'elanna asked with a bit of an edge in her voice and Tom knew what she was trying to do. Harry, too, heard the edge in her tone and was about to ask what was wrong but Tom replied to her before he had a chance.  
  
"Not at all B'elanna." He replied casually "How about you?" That wasn't the reply that B'elanna was anticipating and she didn't know where to go from there. That comment caught Harry's attention. He just stared at Tom, not believing what he had just said. He had just been talking to Tom and he didn't think that he looked tired or any different than he would have any other day.  
  
Tom looked at them without displaying a single emotion other than being calm and casual. He looked at their startled expressions. It was funny how easily he could throw them off balance with a single comment. But before either of them could regain their voices he changed the subject. "We better get moving." He said as he began to get up from the table "or else we'll be late for the meeting.". Again, before they could speak Tom was already heading to the door and they quickly followed. On the way to the bridge both Harry and B'elanna quizzed Tom but he effectively danced around each question, changed the subject or gave them a half truth answer. By the time they reached the conference room Harry and B'elanna hadn't gotten a single straight answer from him. They were that last to arrive at the meeting.  
  
Commander Chakotay was already seated and looked at each of them taking in their expressions. Harry looked tired and frustrated. B'elanna looked frustrated and a little angry. I've got to remember to ask him questions when he's tired. B'elanna thought. Tom, however, looked rather pleased with himself and wearing a smug smile on his face. Chakotay briefly contemplated what Tom had done to irritate them and smiled at the thought. Chakotay was brought of his reverie when Captain Janeway began the meeting.  
  
End Part 1  
  
I'm hard at work on the next part. This is my first fanfiction. Please send any constructive criticism or comments to zappyzaps@hotmail.com . 


	2. Part 2

Only Here  
  
Part 2  
  
Rating for this part: PG-13  
  
Category: P/T Angst  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Paramount. No infringement intended but the story is mine.  
  
Archiving: Feel free to archive anywhere but please tell me if you do.(  
  
It was a typical meeting. Each department gave a report giving a list of required maintenance, repairs or supplies that were required. After a moment of thought the Captain decided that it was about time the stopped to collect supplies. Checking the long range scans of the area showed a trading dock and a few planets that could have promising metal deposits in the next system. The decided that an away team could take a shuttle to the planets and mine the metal and Voyager could be taken to the trading station.  
  
"Lt. Torres you'll be going to the planets. Assemble a team with a metallurgist and whoever else you need for the operation." Ordered Janeway. When Torres nodded Janeway continued. "Lt. Paris you'll pilot the shuttle just in case there are any problems on the way there or back." Tom wasn't thrilled with the idea of being locked in a shuttle with Torres for four days but nodded his consent without letting his discomfort show. Janeway however noticed the way Torres was casting a glare in Paris' direction every now and then and Paris who just threw her his cocky smirk. Deciding to ignore them for now she continued with the meeting. After all matters had been addressed they were all dismissed.  
  
The away team was scheduled to depart at 1400. Tom made a quick stop to his quarters to pack for the trip, brought it to the shuttle and then helped the engineers and science officers to load a shuttle with the mining equipment and cargo containers the metal was to be stored in. Paris and Torres only spoke to each other where work was concerned until Tom started pre-flight checks.  
  
The shuttle was empty except for the two Lt.s. Tom sat at the helm of the shuttle completing the pre-flight checks when Torres joined him. Slowly, she crept up behind the pilot's console where Tom was working.  
  
"B'elanna." He said not taking his eyes off the console. He had beaten her to it again. The moment she was about to make her presence known he addresses her. "Could you check the antimatter injectors? I'm getting some anomalous readings." All business eh? B'elanna thought to herself. Sighing she sat down heavily into the Engineering console in the shuttle. The faulty injector was isolated and repaired within a few minutes and with that they were prepared to disembark. After receiving clearance from the bridge Tom expertly manoeuvred the shuttle out of voyager and into the vastness of space.  
  
Two hours into the sojourn the ensign and crewman that had accompanied them went to the rear of the shuttle leaving Tom and B'elanna alone up front. Torres seeing that this was as good a time as any to play twenty questions (or fifty depending on how cooperative he was) decided to try and corner Paris into telling her what the problem was.  
  
"Tom-"  
  
"B'elanna" Tom interrupted turning around to face her "if this is about my sleeping habits then, please just don't ask. It's nothing critically important so just leave it." And with that he tuned back to his console making unnecessary course modifications.  
  
"Tom, as the officer in command of this mission it is my responsibility to ensure the safety and success of this mission. Your fatigue-"  
  
"Is not an issue here?"  
  
"Tom-"  
  
"B'elanna, the truth is that if you hadn't seen me last night then you wouldn't have suspected a thing. I guarantee you Lt., on the minute chance that I feel under par in any way, shape or form, I will tell you immediately." Tom said with a smirk "Cross my heart," he said playfully.  
  
"Tom, it may not be affecting you now but sooner or later you won't be able to keep this up. As your friend Tom, I'm worried about you." Growing more sombre Tom replied.  
  
"B'elanna." Tom started unsure where to go from there, "You don't understand," Tom whispered quietly; but quietly enough.  
  
"I would understand if you would tell me Tom." B'elanna said. The concern she felt evident in her voice.  
  
"Sorry can't." He said quietly but with resolution.  
  
"Tom-"  
  
"Lt. Torres, could assist us back here?" Asked Ensign Dell. B'elanna wasn't pleased that she was interrupted but knew that her conversation with Tom would have to wait for a more convenient time. However for the rest of the journey the Lts. were not alone long enough to pick up on their last discussion, whether Tom was doing it on purpose B'elanna could not be sure but she had a good idea that he was. At 2330 B'elanna gave up and left with Ensign Dell to the bunks to get a goodnights sleep before they were supposed to arrive at the planet the next morning. After some cajoling from Tom Ensign Farley went to the bunks as well leaving Tom alone with his thoughts and his nightmares. Seven and a half hours before they reached the planet. To busy himself Tom retrieved a padd and started working on a new holoprogram. Two hours into his programming and tired and half asleep B'elanna staggered to the entrance to the cockpit.  
  
"Tom" she called hoarsely getting his attention "There is nothing out here to pilot around so stop wasting your time and get some sleep."  
  
"I'll sleep after I've landed the shuttle on the planet" he said turning away.  
  
"And miss out on setting up the mining equipment. I don't think so."  
  
"What will it take for you to leave me alone for a couple of hours?" he asked in exasperation. B'elanna smiled realizing that she was winning this little battle.  
  
"The only was I will stop bothering you is if you get some sleep." Sighing audibly Tom raised his hand in defeat and followed her to the back of the shuttle after he had placed the shuttle on autopilot. B'elanna had taken the upper bunk so he took the lower, unoccupied bunk.  
  
"Goodnight Paris." B'elanna said smugly  
  
"Goodnight Torres." Tom said as he lay down having no intention of falling asleep in his current state of mind. After B'elanna's attempts to get him to talk about his sleeping problems the nightmare where close to the surface of his consciousness. He had kept his mind off them with his programming but now with nothing to occupy his mind he kept getting flashes of the nightmares. His father's angry face, cellmates at Auckland, Kaldek Prime, Charlie. Tom shook his to try and clear his mind of the images. Staring up at the underside of Torres's bunk his eyes began to droop. Fatigue was slowly setting in. Usually he would not be so apprehensive about falling asleep but with the images he was seeing he knew he would not sleep peacefully. Try as he might he could not fight sleep and slow he succumb to the deceptively peaceful bliss that sleep was supposed to bring. And then they started.  
  
1 Five-year-old Tommy ran through the familiar corridors of the Paris household heading towards the kitchen. He was going to get some more cookies. Rounding the sharp corner that would take him into the kitchen he accidentally brushed up against a tall, narrow and Vulcan sculpture of some sort. Tommy turned to see what he had hit and could only watch helplessly as the sculpture fell to the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces. The crash caused a shiver to run through his body and fear gripped his little body as he anticipated what was going to happen next. Footstep where a approaching and Tommy knew who they belonged to.  
  
2 Captain Owen Paris had heard the crash and was investigating. Owen came up behind Tom through the kitchen and immediately saw the shattered remains of what was once a piece of art. Owen immediately knew what had happened and would see to it that Tom was punished.  
  
"What did you do?" Owen said harshly as he roughly turned the child to face him. Tommy had his eyes on the ground and would not meet his father's gaze.  
  
"It was an accident." The child said softly, his voice quivering slightly. Owen knelt so that he was eye level with his son and grabbed his chin. He raised the boy's head so that he was looking him in the eye.  
  
"What did you do?" Owen asked again, his voice raising.  
  
"I -I was running and. and." the child stammered. Tommy's breathing was becoming more ragged as he was almost in tears.  
  
"And what?" Owen yelled. "What have I told you about running in the house?" Owen wasn't mad because the statue was broken; that could be easily replaced. What really got him angry was that Tom had disobeyed an order from him.  
  
"Not to run in the house." The child said quietly.  
  
"I didn't hear you!" Owen yelled. His grip on Tommy's face tightened.  
  
"N-Not to run in the house." Tommy said his eye's closing as the tears finally cascaded down his cheeks.  
  
"Look at me boy!" Owen yelled. Tommy immediately opened his eyes and stared at his father. Owen could easily read the fear I his eyes and was disappointed. Disappointment that soon turned to anger. Anger that was directed at Tommy Paris "Don't ever disobey me again boy! Is that understood?" Owen yelled. Tommy quickly nodded. "I didn't hear you!" he yelled and removed his grip from Tommy's face to his arm and began to twist.  
  
"Yes," was all that left his trembling lips as more tears took the same path that others had taken earlier fuelling more anger in Owen.  
  
"Stop crying! Don't be so weak!" Owen commanded. "Fear is a sign of weakness! I will not raise a weak child!" Owen slapped his son across his face. Tommy' head snapped to one side. He would have fallen but Owen's tight grip on his arm kept him standing. When the crying continued Owen slapped him again. Tommy began to quiet down but tears were still flowing. Owen grabbed hold of his shoulders and began to shake him, yelling for him to stop crying, to stop being so weak. Tommy had summoned all the strength he had to overcome the powerful emotions that he felt and had stopped crying. Owen stopped shaking him and studied Tommy's face. His anger was subsiding and he spoke to Tommy in a softer but very stern voice. "Emotions are a weakness son. They let other's know what your thinking and enemies will use that against you." Tommy was confused and afraid and Owen could see it. "You have to keep your emotions under control or else they will be your downfall." Tommy pushed all his emotions down so that the fear was no longer showing. Owen studied him. He could still see some of the emotions lurking beneath the exterior but he would fix that in time.  
  
Owen allowed a small smile of pride to show on his face. He pulled Tommy into a hug and told Tommy that he was doing it to help him; to make him stronger.  
  
Tommy did not understand but he knew better that to let it show. He didn't return the hug but instead he stood ramrod straight, detached from the world around him.  
  
Tom 's eyes shot opened as he realised, it was just a dream. His breathing slowed and the feeling of fear was slowly wearing off. Checking the chronometer he realised he had only been sleeping for three and a half hours. Feeling that he had had enough sleep for one night he got up from the bunk and made his way back to the helm not realizing that another pair of eyes had been on him the entire time.  
  
B'elanna watched as Tom left the sleeping area and headed back to the cockpit. B'elanna is light sleeper and had woken up when she heard Tom thrashing in his sleep. She couldn't be sure what it was that had caused him such distress but she knew that if the same thing happens every night then it was no winder he only slept a few hours a night, if at all.  
  
They arrived at the planet on schedule the next morning and after a flawless descent and landing of the shuttle they began to set up the equipment for extracting the elements that they needed. B'elanna kept an eye on Tom the entire time. He joked and made his usual comments and was his normal self.  
  
Late in the day when the mining work was in full swing an alarm on the shuttle caught Ensign Dell's attention. He immediately went to Lt. Torres. "What is it?" she asked the ensign.  
  
"There's another ship approaching this location. They aren't responding to hails and are charging weapons." He said quickly.  
  
"Paris! Farley!" she called "We've got to go!" Packing as much equipment as quickly as possibly they went back to the shuttle.  
  
Each person slid into their position- Paris at the helm Torres at Engineering, Farley at Tactical and Dell at Ops.  
  
"Still not answering hails." Dell said.  
  
"I think it's time we made like a ski and dattled." Paris said finishing the pre-flight check. He knew that Torres was giving him a funny look so he elaborated. "You know- skidattle" Torres just shook her head and went back to working from her console. Leave it to Paris to crack a bad joke at a time like this.  
  
"Beginning rapid ascent. Hold on to your knickers." Dell had to wonder how the bridge crew survived all these jokes. At least it broke some of the tension.  
  
The shuttle shook just as it left the atmosphere of the planet. The attacker had gotten a direct hit on the shuttle. The ship was bigger than Voyager and more heavily armed.  
  
"Shields seventy-two percent and falling!" called Farley. Paris tried to dodge the incoming shots but more shots still hit their mark.  
  
"I've lost warp drive." Paris said rather calmly. B'elanna stole a quick glance at him before working on the warp drive. The larger ship fired a volley of torpedoes at the damaged shuttle until.  
  
"Shields are down-"  
  
"I've lost impulse engines-"  
  
"Primary systems are failing-" said Dell, Paris and Farley in succession.  
  
"Launch a distress beacon. Let's hope Voyager finds it." B'elanna ordered. The shuttle began to shake and outside the shuttle and blue tractor beam locked on the shuttle and was towing it into the massive ship, but not before the beacon was launched.  
  
God my head hurts, Was the first thought that entered the mind of B'elanna Torres. She pushed herself up off the cold floor into a sitting position. Just then she felt a pair of hands on her arm. She was ready to attack but when she saw that it was only Dell she relaxed a bit. He smiled a weak smile at her. He had a bruise on the right side of his forehead but other than that he seemed fine. B'elanna quickly looked around the room looking for Paris and Farley. Farley was near a wall lying on his side. "He's sleeping." Dell informed her. She looked around the rest of the room. More like a cell actually. Low lighting except above the door, which had a small window to see outside. The dark metal of the room added to the glum reality of their situation. There was nothing in the room just her Farley and Dell. Wait a minute, where the hell's Paris. She turned to Dell and as if he read her mind he answered her unasked question. "They took him hours ago." Hours how long had she been out. "You've been unconscious for at least four hours." He said. She had thought out loud. "Whatever they used on us seems to affect on you more severely." He explained. B'elanna's mind was still foggy and she could only nod in agreement. "Paris was awake before anyone else. When Farley and I woke he was already looking for a way out. The guards came in soon after and took him." He turned to look at the door hoping that by the force of his will the doors would magically open. B'elanna's mind was running through several awful scenarios that could be happening to Tom when the door slid open with a light his.  
  
The lighting in the hall way was much brighter than the cell. B'elanna and Dell had to shield their eyes and the light woke up Farley. The only thing that could be seen were a couple of dark forms standing in the doorway before Tom Paris was roughly pushed in falling to his hands and knees. The door was abruptly shut and the darkness returned.  
  
As soon as the door closed Paris was on his feet and made his way to Torres and Dell, flopping exhaustedly on the floor next to them. "Ah sleeping beauty awakes." He said looking down at his hands  
  
"Are you alright?" Torres and Dell ask at the same time.  
  
"Oh, I'm okay." He said a little too confidently. He finally looked up and they could see his face. He was pale and sweating, his eyes were glassy and he had a gash o his forehead that was bleeding.  
  
"Tom what did they do to you?" B'lanna asked moving towards him.  
  
"They just roughed me up a bit." He said weakly. His strength was leaving him. "They also gave me something. an injection of something. I'm feeling kinda sick actually." His mind was sluggish as whatever they injected took effect.  
  
"You should rest a bit." Dell suggested. That seemed to jumpstart Tom's memory.  
  
"no not yet" he said weakly as he slowly got to his feet. "I've got to do this now or I won't be able to later." He said walking to the wall with the door. Dell and Torres looked at each other and at Farley before joining Tom by the wall.  
  
Tom had removed a panel of the hull plating and was working with the circuitry revealed. He fished for the items in his pocket and lay them on the floor next to him. There were a few little instruments and the rank pins of Torres, and Dell. B'elanna hadn't even noticed that they were missing.  
  
"Why did you take these?" B'elanna asked.  
  
"As the only ranking officer they thought that I would have the most information." He said simply.  
  
"You shouldn't have done that. I'm in charge of this mission-"  
  
"You were a little preoccupied at the time." He said with a weak smirk.  
  
"Where did you get these?" Dell asked about the tools before the Lts got into a fight.  
  
"Let's just say they should have bound my hands." All the while Paris was working at the wiring. Using some of the tools here and there until the panel sparked and died. Tom smiled at his handy work. Dell and B'elanna however were clueless as to what he was doing. Tom sat there as if waiting for something to happen.  
  
"Tom what-" B'elanna began  
  
"Just wait a second." Tom said pointing to the door. B'elanna and Dell turned there attention to the door as did Farley who was listening from his position. CLICK. The door moved open a fraction making enough room to slip some fingers through to pull the door open. "Amazing what you learn in prison." Tom said as he slowly got up from the floor. The moment he was standing a wave of nausea overtook him and he leaned heavily on the wall, arms wrapped around his chest.  
  
"Paris-" Farley said as he approached.  
  
"I'll be okay," he said.  
  
Together the four of them managed to move the heavy door enough for them to slip out.  
  
"No where to?" B'elanna asked Tom, seeing as he was the only one of them that had been out side the cell.  
  
"This way." Tom said walking to the right. The small group kept up a quick pace and were constantly looking over their shoulder. Sooner of later (hopefully later) these people were going to realise that their prisoners had escaped. B'elanna looked critically at Paris who was leading them through the ship. He was even paler than before, if that's possible and his hair was beginning to stick to his forehead with the sweat. He was breathing heavily for someone like him who was in shape and he seemed to be fighting to keep up this pace.  
  
The group soon found themselves at a turbolift.  
  
"Up or down?" Dell asked.  
  
"Down." Tom said. "Shuttlebay." He tapped the appropriate button and with a slight jerk the turbolift descended. Tom leaned a against the turbolift walls and tilted his head to the ceiling trying to make the sickness stop through sheer will. The other three in the turbolift eyed him analytically. He definitely looked very sick. They had to get him to sickbay.  
  
The turbolift stopped and the group slowly disembarked looking around and ducking crewmembers that passed by. They guessed that the huge bay doors at the end of the corridor lead to the shuttle bay and head quickly in that direction. They had been lucky not to have been caught thus far, but their luck was about to run out.  
  
The turbolift they had just exited deposited a large group of crewmember to this level; each of them armed with phaser rifles. Looks like the prisoners have been missed. They armed people started shooting the escaping prisoners. The escaping prisoners broke out into a full sprint. Good thing that these people had such bad aim. They managed, however, to hit Dell in the arm and Torres too but hit Tom, who was bringing up the rear, in the right shoulder.  
  
He stumbled but carried on ignoring the pain. They soon made it into the relative safety of the shuttlebay. There were only a few officers in that general area of the shuttlebay and they were easily subdued. The Voyager crewmen and crewwoman made there way to the beaten up class two shuttle. It looks like these people were trying to repair it. Ah the box with two nacelles, Paris thought. It never looked so good.  
  
Once inside the shuttle they moved to their stations.  
  
"How will we get past the bay doors." Asked Dell. Farley was one step ahead.  
  
"Like this." Farley fired the shuttles phaser at the door. After only a few seconds the door was weak enough for the pressure of the shuttlebay to blow open. The officers that had followed them now clung onto any secure object they could find to avoid being sucked into space. The shuttle slipped easily through the hole in the ship and jumped to low warp in the direction of Voyager.  
  
"It'll be days before Voyager comes looking for us and by then our new friends will have caught us again." Said B'elanna as she tried to give the shuttle more power. She turned to face her team. "We need to hide out somewhere. Any ideas?" she asked. No response from anyone. Not surprising. This area of space was devoid of any stellar phenomena.  
  
"A planet with a high EM field would be able to hide us from sensors if we hide under a rock formation." Paris said. He was tired and it showed. B'elanna was about to take over the scan when he found a suitable candidate. "Laying in a course."  
  
An hour later they were orbiting a planet with a very big and very erratic EM field. The shuttle shook as it entered the field. "Sorry about that." Tom said tiredly. He had to concentrate on piloting the shuttle through the EM field. Dell was looking for a suitable place to hide when the long range sensors picked up the large ship.  
  
"We need that location." B'elanna urged.  
  
"Got one!" he said triumphantly "Sending the co-ordinates to the helm."  
  
"Got them. Were going in." Tom said.  
  
The shuttle began it's descent. Smooth when looking on the outside but inside the shuttle it's a different story. The shaking was getting a bit much. The EM field was throwing off the guidance system. As soon as they entered the stratosphere the shaking stopped and it was a smooth ride down into the large cavern. They weren't out of danger yet though. Their attackers may have seen them coming down to this planet. Each person held their breath as the large ship warped past them. Home free!  
  
The planet was M-class thankfully so B'elanna sent Dell and Farley to do a scan of the area using the tricorders. The shuttles sensors were being scrambled because of the rocks they were surrounded by. Tom sat at the helm slowly going through the navigational systems and fixing what he could. With the adrenaline wearing off his fatigue was quickly becoming harder to fight.  
  
B'elanna was working on a relay when she saw Tom walk past her. Getting up she followed him. Tom grabbed the medkit and sat heavily on the bunk he slept on the day before. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall catching his breath.  
  
"Tom," B'elanna called softly. No response. "Tom!" she called louder approaching him. Still no response. She sat next to him and shook him calling his name.  
  
"What?" he said confused. "Where." then he remembered "right the shuttle." He rubbed his tired eyes and finally noticed that B'elanna was next to him looking very worried.  
  
"Tom are you all right?" B'elanna asked  
  
"Yes.No.I don't know." He closed his eyes again.  
  
"Oh no you don't. Open your eyes Tom. Stay awake." She waited until he had fully opened his eyes before getting the medical tricorder out. She scanned him and attempted to read the results but she had little medical knowledge. Tom saw her confusion and gently took the tricorder from her to look at the readings himself. Temperature: 42 degrees centigrade, BP: 180 over 100. His vision was blurring again and he had to shake his head to clear it. He tapped a few buttons and looked at them for a moment before taking a hypo loading it with inaprovaline and pressing it to his neck. He sat back and sighed.  
  
"What did it say?" B'elanna asked. Tom had been silent the entire time and she wanted to know what was going on. Tom popped one blue eye open to look at her before sitting up and resting his elbows on his knees.  
  
"Whatever they gave me is attacking my organ systems and causing internal bleeding. My body is shutting down. In short.I'm dying." He said with dis- interest.  
  
"Isn't there something that we can do?" B'elanna asked quickly. She grabbed the tricorder and looked through it's database for what to do in this sort of emergency. Tom put his hand over the tricorder and pried it from her fingers.  
  
"Can't do anything here. Maybe the Doctor could do something but." They were both silent for a few moments. Tom placed the tricorder back in the med kit and stood up shakily. "We've got a shuttle to fix." he said extending his hand to B'elanna to help her up. B'elanna was still thinking about the possibility that Tom could die here and didn't hear him. Tom kneeled in front of her. "B'elanna he said holding her hands. "I'll be okay." She looked at him. How could he say that? Ruptured internal organs was a death sentence if they couldn't treat it.  
  
"If we repair the shuttle in time we can find Voyager and the doctor can treat you." She said standing. Both she and Tom knew that it was a long shot but she needed a bit of hope to hang onto. They left the back of the shuttle to the cockpit. Dell and Farley were working on the shuttle. They had both over heard them talking and knew that Tom was dying but they didn't let it show that they knew. Together the four worked on the shuttle. Two days was too long to wait for Voyager.  
  
End Part 2 


	3. Part 3

Only Here  
  
Part 3  
  
Rating for this part: NC-17 (talk about child abuse and stuff)  
  
Category: P, P/T Angst  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Paramount. No infringement intended but the story is mine.  
  
Archiving: Feel free to archive anywhere but please tell me if you do.(  
  
Author's note: If you have any ideas about other topics to put in the story let me know! Always interested in suggestions!  
  
Six year old Tom Paris lay on the floor of his room trying not to let the pain get to him. He sat on he floor and was huddled in a corner bruised and bleeding. It had never been this bad before. He felt like he wanted to die just to end the pain. Everywhere hurt. Tears began to stream down his face. He tried to stop crying but it was useless. He would never have let the Captain see him crying. It would only make him angry. He was careful not to make a sound that would attract his father's attention. He eventually cried himself to sleep.  
  
Tom awoke with a start. He wanted to sit up but he felt too weak. His vision was unclear. He could make out a form approaching him. With more effort than should have been necessary he managed to focus his gaze long enough to see B'Elanna. He closed his eyes trying to figure out what was going on. He couldn't remember. He was expecting to wake in a hospital. That was where he remembered waking after that night. He suppressed a shudder. He felt a hand on his shoulder and a soft voice calling him.  
  
"B'Elanna?" he asked, still not sure about where he was.  
  
"That's right." She said softly. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Tired." He whispered. "What happened?"  
  
"Don't you remember? The mining mission." Tom began to remember.  
  
"The last thing I remember was sitting at the helm doing repairs."  
  
"You collapsed and we brought you here. You needed to rest." She watched him carefully. He didn't look any worse than he did when he collapsed. That had to be good. But then again he didn't look any better.  
  
"The shuttles moving." He said, more to himself than to her. B'Elanna looked at him in amazement. How did he know that? The ship wasn't vibrating at all. They had passed through the atmosphere of the planet hours ago and that was when the shaking was. How could he tell. Tom was far too out of it notice B'Elanna's confusion. He could just tell.  
  
"Any sign of Voyager?" B'Elanna shook her head.  
  
"Not yet but I'm sure that they're looking for us." She tried to reassure him. He smiled weakly and closed his eyes. Just a couple of hours Tom. Hold on, B'Elanna thought. She made sure that he was comfortable and went back to her station.  
  
On Voyager they were indeed looking for their lost shuttle and its crew. They had received the distress beacon hours ago and had gone to the planet where the team was supposed to be. They had not found anything even though they were running continuous scans to locate the shuttle. Finally all their effort paid off. "Captain I've got a vessel on long distance sensors." Harry said. "It's the shuttle." He said with excitement. Two of his good friends were on that shuttle.  
  
"Helm set a course, maximum warp. Harry send them a message that were coming." Janeway gave out the orders to her crew.  
  
Half an hour later Tom had been beamed to Sickbay while the rest of the away team brought the shuttle into the bay. Janeway had gone to the shuttle bay to see Lt. Torres. They had been told that Tom was seriously ill but they did not elaborate on his condition during their brief communication before landing. Janeway was going with B'Elanna to sickbay to check on Tom while Dell and Farley walked with them to get their own injuries healed. When they arrived Kes and the Doctor were discussing something while a very pale Tom Paris lay unconscious on the main biobed. "Doctor, What's Tom's condition?" Janeway asked. The doctor approached them and ushered them into his office. Kes went to take care of Dell and Farley.  
  
"Stable at best." He said with a sigh. Janeway and Torres didn't think he was programmed to do that. Something must really be wrong.  
  
"What did they do to him?" Torres asked, always the impatient one.  
  
"Lt. Paris shows evidence of being mildly beaten but more concerning is the foreign agents in his system. One of these agents was attacking his organ tissues causing cell rupture and internal bleeding. We've been able to stop the bleeding and neutralize that agent but there are others that are causing other problems. One is causing a high fever and delirium. Kes and I have not been able to find a medication that will counteract the effects or destroy it." The frustration was evident in his voice. Torres and Janeway didn't think that he was programmed for frustration either.  
  
"Has he woken up at all?" Janeway asked looking through the glass to her sick pilot.  
  
"No, and I don't expect him to wake until sometime tomorrow. He lost a lot of blood and I've sedated him so he'll sleep through the night." Janeway nodded and told the doctor to keep her updated on Tom's condition before she left. Torres stayed in the doctor's office.  
  
Talk of sleeping and sedation reminded her about the conversation she had with Tom late in the Mess Hall.  
  
"Lt. Is there something else?" The Doc asked her. B'Elanna had been gazing at a point on the floor.  
  
"Doc do people dream when they're sedated?"  
  
"I don't know, possibly. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Just.wondering." She looked at Tom's form on the biobed and hoped that he wasn't dreaming. She let Kes fix injuries and went to her quarters to change into a clean uniform. The senior staff minus one where meeting in a few minutes and she had to put together a small report.  
  
"What did they want?" Harry asked  
  
"I don't know. Tom was the only one who had any direct contact with them."  
  
"Why did they pick Paris?" This question from Chakotay.  
  
"Before we came to, He took our rank insignias off our collars so as the only ranking officer the must have thought he would have the most information."  
  
The room was silent for a little while as it sunk in what Tom had done for the other members of the away team.  
  
"Are your captors aware of your escape?" Tuvok asked worried that they would be looking (excuse me Vulcan's don't worry)- concerned for the safety of the ship.  
  
"Yes but we managed to evade them by hiding on a planet. They went right past us in the opposite direction of our current position." B'Elanna said.  
  
"We should leave the area just in case they decide to search in the other direction." Janeway said "Our business at the trading station has been concluded. Let's not wait to find out what those people wanted." Janeway dismissed the Senior officers telling Torres that she had the rest of the day off. B'Elanna took the opportunity to go to Sickbay to check on Tom.  
  
She didn't expect to find him thrashing on the biobed while Kes and the Doctor tried to wake him from whatever horrible dream he was having. The sedative was too strong and the Doctor had to resort to giving him another drug to wake him. Tom's eyes flew open and gazed at the ceiling unseeing. He may be in sickbay but his mind was in the past, reliving an old nightmare. A nightmare he thought he could escape.  
  
The Doctor and Kes were trying to get him to respond but with no avail. B'Elanna rushed to his side pushing the Doctor out of the way. "Tom!" she shouted. "Tom look at me!" she cupped his face and forced him to look at her. "Tom you're safe here." She said softly. He blinked. He tried to separate what he was seeing with what he was hearing. In front of him was Owen Paris beating him something it was moving too fast for him to see but he was hearing B'Elanna's voice telling him he was safe. He was so confused but decided to cling to the voice hoping that it would make everything go away. He blinked several times trying to change the image before him but it remained the angry Owen Paris.  
  
Tom saw his father raise the object ready to swing down again and it all came back to him. He was nine. His work wasn't good enough. He was such a disappointment to everybody. He had failed everybody. A bat. It was his wooden baseball bat that Owen was beating him with. He remembered what happened next. The bat would come down and hit him and the world would fade away. A tear escaped and rolled to were B'Elanna's hand held his face. "I'm sorry." He breathed before passing out. B'Elanna didn't move for a while. What just happened? What was Tom seeing that caused him so much distress? She stepped back and let the Doctor examine him. She was lost in thought for a long moment before racing out of Sickbay. She had to talk to Harry. He was Tom's best friend maybe he knew something.  
  
Harry had just gotten off his shift and was going to see how Tom was doing. When the doors to the lift opened on deck five B'Elanna Torres came crashing into him. "Hey Maquis." He said with an amused smile. When he saw the look in her eyes the smile faded. "What's wrong?" She didn't answer. She pushed him back into the turbolift and called out for deck nine.  
  
"We have to talk Harry." She didn't say anything else until they were in her quarters. "Harry how well do you know Tom?" she asked the moment the doors closed.  
  
"Better than anyone on the ship." He said instantly.  
  
"That's not saying much." B'Elanna muttered.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"It just occurred to me that nobody really knows Tom. How often do you talk about family."  
  
"We talk about family sometimes."  
  
"Yours or his?"  
  
"Mostly mine." Harry paused in thought. "Actually we never talk about his family."  
  
B'Elanna sighed and collapsed onto her couch.  
  
"Do you know anything about Tom's father?" she asked quietly.  
  
"Admiral Paris?" Harry sat in a vacant chair. "No, only from what I've heard. From what Tom's said though, they must not have had a very good relationship."  
  
B'Elanna was silent for a while. "Did you know about Tom's nightmares?"  
  
"No. He has nightmares? About what?"  
  
"I don't know but so much has happened to him.take your pick."  
  
"Did he tell you this?"  
  
"No I came to this conclusion with the little information he accidentally let slip." She thought back to the night she talked to Tom late in the mess hall.  
  
"Tom's the only one who can answer what ever questions you have B'Elanna. I don't know that much about him." Harry said. It was hard for him to admit, but he didn't know Tom as well as he thought. He didn't know what made this man tick, what caused him to make the decisions that shaped his life.  
  
The next morning in Sickbay the Doctor was speaking to a very groggy Tom Paris. "Mr. Paris do you know where you are?"  
  
"Sickbay." Tom replied after a short pause. Tom was still lying on the main biobed in the blue sickbay pyjamas. Kes was in nearby monitoring his bio-reading.  
  
"Are you still having difficulty sleeping?"  
  
"I never said I was having difficulty sleeping." Tom said.  
  
"You didn't have to. The tricorder told me you were sleep deprived." Tom closed his eyes. He had avoided the Doctor for a long while and now he couldn't.  
  
"Kes could you check the experiments in the lab, please." Kes nodded and left the main part of sickbay. The Doctor looked at the patient before him in front of him. One of his most frequent patients actually but also a friend. The Doctor knew what it was that Tom was hiding from his friends and what he could not come to terms with. The evidence was in the medical files and exams. The Doctor had never brought up the topic with Tom since it had never affected him outwardly and Tom had never come to him to talk about it even though he had offered. Now it seemed there was no avoiding the topic. The recent events that Tom had been involved in here in the Delta quadrant and brought back old memories that he had buried. "Mr. Paris..Tom, are you having nightmares." Tom just turned his head away from him. "And that's why you won't take any sleep aids." Tom's silence was enough of an answer. "What are the dreams about?" Tom didn't move. "I can't help you if you don't co-operates Tom."  
  
"I don't want your or anybody's help," Tom said, finally looking at the doctor.  
  
"Are they about your abuse as a child?" The Doctor asked softly. Tom stared at the doctor in shock //How did he know?// "The medical exams." The Doctor answered the question that he knew Tom was thinking about.  
  
"Doc, I can handle this. I've managed my entire life, today, tomorrow and the days after until the day I die won't be any different."  
  
"Under normal circumstances I might agree with you but your body is under ever increasing amounts of stress due to the fever. Until Kes and I find something that will help, I'm afraid it will only get worse." Tom was quiet for a moment.  
  
"Can I leave Sickbay?" The doc nearly sighed. He knew Tom didn't have much of an affinity for Sickbay and had anticipated that question.  
  
"Since I can't do anything for you here and since you're not contagious you may leave to your quarters. Eat only replicated food, Mr. Neelix's creations may have adverse affects with fever causing agent. I'll have your rations increased. You are off duty until further notice." The Doc informed him.  
  
"Thanks," Tom said wearily as he sat up.  
  
"Should I comm Ensign Kim or Lt. Torres to help you back to your quarters, or Kes could-"  
  
"Doc, I can handle it." Tom said as he planted both feet on the floor. He was feeling a little light headed but his quarters where only two decks up. He could make it. He changed out of the blue gown and left.  
  
A few minutes later Tom arrived in his quarters. He didn't even bother calling for lights. He made it to his couch and lay down. He didn't want to sleep, in fear of another episode like the last but he felt to dizzy and too tired to do anything. Unwanted memories began surfacing. Voices and feelings invaded his mind. He shook his head desperately trying to control his thoughts.  
  
The chime of his door startled him. He called for the person to enter. Harry Kim walked into the dark room. He called for fifty percent illumination. He saw his friend laying on the couch. Tom sat up and greeted him.  
  
"Hi Tom." Harry said as he took in Tom's condition. Hair messy, Eyes glassy, forehead sweaty and shivering. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Lousy." Harry sat on the couch. "Cold actually."  
  
"It must be the fever." Harry deduced. "You should be getting some rest."  
  
"I am. I'm not doing anything." Harry noted Tom's reluctance to go to sleep. B'elanna may be right about Tom having nightmares.  
  
"Have you eaten? We could go to the messhall and grab lunch." Harry suggested.  
  
"Can't. Doc's orders. We could, however replicate something. My rations have been increased so it on me this time."  
  
Tom and Harry enjoyed their lunch together but Tom's condition seemed to be getting worse. By the end of the meal Tom was hardly responding to anything Harry said. Tom was still shivering and sweating more. He wanted to call the doctor but Tom had told him that the Doc couldn't do anything for him. 'Yet' Harry added. It sounded like Tom was giving up. He had never known Tom to be a quiter before and wondered what was wearing down his spirit.  
  
"You should try and get some sleep Tom." Tom didn't respond. Tom was staring blankly at the table top. "Tom!" Harry called. Still no response. He walked over to where Tom was sitting and place a hand his shoulder and called his name again. Tom jumped out of his chair knocking it over in the process. "Tom?" Harry called softly. He was getting more worried. Tom's eyes rested on Harry who was slowly approaching him. His eyes a were a dull blue. Harry swore that Tom was trying to remember were he was.  
  
"Harry?" Tom asked soflty  
  
"Yeah, Tom, it's me." Tom leaned against to the wall and slid to the floor. He let out a relived sigh. Harry walked over to him. "Tom what's wrong?"  
  
"I thought.I thought I was somewhere else." His voice wavered.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Hiracus II," he breathed out. Harry was confused. The Hiracus system was just outside the boarders of the federation. The people their didn't want anything to do with the Federation and no matter what happened they were against the idea of joining. Anytime the Federation was close to getting them to join the people or Hiracus would do something drastic to undermine any support that the federation had gained. The Federation gave up some time ago trying to get these people to join. What was the son of an Admiral doing in such a conflicted system?  
  
"Well don't worry you're on voyager now. Whatever's there can't get you here." Harry was curious as to what had caused Tom such stress but thought it better to let Tom get over his affliction before bringing up the topic. He couldn't deal with emotional trauma right now; the physical was bad enough thanks to the virus.  
  
Harry helped Tom to his bed. Tom smiled once he had his wits about him again. "Thanks Harry. I can take from here." Harry didn't think that it was a good idea to leave Tom alone right now the hallucinogenic properties of the virus or whatever it was, was making it harder for Tom to separate reality from memories. "I'll be fine Harry." Tom tried to reassure him.  
  
"Alright, but don't hesitate to call me or anybody if you need something." A minute later Harry left Tom's quarters after he got Tom to promise that he would get some rest. Tom had no intention of sleeping but he lacked the strength leave the soft comfort of his bed. Slowly, despite his intentions, sleep over took him and the nightmares over took the dreams.  
  
Later that day the Harry sat alone in the Mess Hall eating a late dinner. He had visited Tom before he came to the galley. He found Tom thrashing on his bed trying to defend himself from whatever was happening to him in the dream. When he finally woke him it took Harry five minutes to convince Tom that he was on Voyager. Harry had left when Tom had dozed off again. He called the doctor but the Doc didn't have anything new to report; still searching was the bottom line.  
  
Harry looked up when Commander Chakotay sat down across from him. Chakotay rarely sat with Harry. It's not that he didn't like the Ensign but he noticed that having his commanding officer sit with him usually made Ensign nervous. Today however the mess hall was very busy and Chakotay noticed the pensive mood of the other man and had decided to sit with him. May be he could help.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts."  
  
"If it's alright with you I'd rather not share." Harry said looking at his plate.  
  
"It might help with whatever's bothering you." Harry shook his head.  
  
"I don't think that you'd be up to helping me with this," Harry smirked a bit as he remembered the times when Tom and Chakotay teased each other on the bridge. The two of them had let bygones be bygones, but they were far from being good friends. Casual acquaintances yes, friends, getting there. Tom always seemed to be able to annoy Chakotay and Chakotay always seemed to bring out Tom's self-defences.  
  
"Try me." Chakotay challenged. As unofficial ships counsellor he had dealt with a lot of different problems. There was nothing that he couldn't handle.  
  
"Tom Paris." He stood corrected. No response from the Commander was forthcoming. "I told you." Harry said "I need someone who knows a lot about Tom or at least knows more than I know."  
  
"Well here comes that very person." Before Harry could ask who he was talking about, Captain Janeway sat down at their table.  
  
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything she said seating herself next to Chakotay.  
  
"Not at all Captain." Chakotay said.  
  
"Harry how's Tom doing?"  
  
"He's not any better. A little worse actually. The delirium is increasing. Nightmares, forgotten memories, hallucinations; but the Doctor hasn't found anything that could help him." They were all silent until Harry asked Janeway a question.  
  
"Captain do you know why Tom would have been on Hiracus at some time." The slightly startled expreesion on her face told them that she did know and that it was something that they had to discuss privately. They left the mess hall for the Ready Room.  
  
"How did you know that Tom was on Hiracus?" Janeway asked once they all sat.  
  
"When I was with Tom he thought that he was on Hiracus and it caused him a lot of distress." Janeway thought for a moment about how she was going to explain what happened.  
  
"You both know of the conflicts betweedn Hiracus and the Federation." They both nodded and she continued. "Captain Paris was on to the people that worked on the coalition of the Federation and Hiracus. He would have succeeded had it not been for a few Hiracus citizens. Eight days before the Hiracus government was supposed to meet with the Federation leaders Captain Paris' son went missing. Tom was seven at the time when he was kidnapped. I never got the details as to what transpired and they were never released to the press but twelve days later Tom was left on a small planet just inside the federation boarder. The people that kidnapped him sent a message to Starfleet notifying them that Tom was on the planet and Tom was found and returned to his family."  
  
"What happened to him while he was there?" Harry asked.  
  
"I don't know. None of the reports disclosed any detailed information and I've never heard Tom or Owen talk about it. Hiracus never joined the Federation and the Federation stopped trying."  
  
"Did Tom tell you something about what happened Harry?" Chakotay asked.  
  
"No, but I got the distinct feeling that whatever it was Tom wants to forget it."  
  
B'Elanna rang the chime to Tom's quarters. She didn't get a response but she knew Tom was in his quarters. She used her engineering command codes to get past the lock and entered his quarters. There was little illumination and she walked in carefully to avoid bumping into anything. She heard a soft sound and followed it. Tom was in bed. He was mumbling and moving trying to get away from whatever was in his dream. B'Elanna went over to him. Trying to wake him from whatever nightmare he was having. After a few minute of trying Tom awoke.  
  
He bolted upright in his bed. The sheets had been thrown to the floor long ago and to sat there breathing heavily and drenched in a cold sweat. He ran his hand through his hair. Voyager, he was on Voyager. Sighing in relief he turned his attention to B'Elanna.  
  
"Hey." He whispered.  
  
"Hey yourself. Are you alright?" she asked in concern. Tom looked like he was getting worse. What was the Doctor doing? Tom looked paler than he had earlier and weaker. This illness was winning.  
  
"I'm. okay." Tom replied weakly. Tom was shaking slightly. B'Elanna noticed the tremor that ran through him. He lay back down on the bed trying to calm himself. He soon found that he was getting sleepy again but he did not want to risk having another nightmare.  
  
B'Elanna noticed his eyes droop but he seemed to be fighting it. "Go to sleep Tom. You need the rest."  
  
"No.I.don't want to sleep." He was running from whatever it was that was haunting his dreams.  
  
"Think about something else. Something that make you happy." She absently ran her hand through his soft hair. His eyes fluttered and he struggled to stay awake. He took B'Elanna's advice and thought about things that comforted him. Piloting Voyager, his friends, Harry, Kes, Neelix, B'Elanna. A smile touched his lips and he drifted into slimber. B'Elanna wondered what it was that put the smile there. She stayed for a few more minutes and then left Tom's quarters.  
  
That night he slept free from nightmare and old forgotten memories. Free from the past that haunted and plagued him. Thinking mostly about a one fiery, beautiful half-klingon Engineer.  
  
End Part 3  
  
Finally finished! Yay! Part four.yeah. I'll get right on that (in a little bit)  
  
Same as always: comments and constructive criticism ( zappyzaps@hotmail.com 


	4. Part 4

1 Only Here  
  
Part 4 (Final Part)  
  
Rating for this part: PG-13  
  
Category: P, P/T Angst  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Paramount. No infringement intended but the story is mine.  
  
Archiving: Feel free to archive anywhere (though I'm not sure you would want to) (  
  
  
  
The Doctor said I should record my thoughts in my log. I suppose it will help keep my thoughts straight. I just hope that he doesn't go and read it. I know he has the authorization but I'd rather not have him reading this; he knows too much already. Long pause before continuing. The last two days have been a blur. I remember [aggravated sigh] I remember thing that I would rather have forgotten. Memories of my childhood and….my father keep returning. My time on Hiracus with Charlie. He didn't really do anything but that bastard and his cronies scared the shit out of me. I've had a couple of flashbacks to Auckland and Caldik Prime. Auckland wasn't so bad except for the occasional beatings, but those I was expecting somewhat. Caldik Prime……sometimes I wish I could forget that, but I'd rather not. Caldik Prime was my biggest mistake. Not lying about it, but the fact that I took three lives, three friends.  
  
I wake up from those dreams and I don't feel scared but intensely saddened. I wish I could bring them back but I can't and no matter what I do nothing will change that. I don't want to forget them or what happened but I don't want to relive that moment every night in my dreams. I know this probably sounds stupid but every time I have a hallucination of a dream I'm afraid that I won't wake up from it. Half the time I actually believe that I'm seven and on Hiracus or that I'm back at Caldik Prime! I almost always rely on somebody else to bring me back to the present and every time it gets harder to come back. I don't want to relive my life! Nobody else may understand and I hope that they never do.  
  
In sickbay the Doctor was on the verge of a discovery. One of the compound that he was working with partially neutralized the hallucinogenic agent and another one that he had found would relieve the intensity of the fever if not cure it. He commed Tom and told him to report to Sickbay. It was best that they start treatment as soon as possible. Tom's physical health was deteriorating but more worrisome was his mental health. The Doctor probably knew more about Tom than anybody else on the ship. What most people do not know is that the body itself is the best medical file there is. Every break and scrape is recorded somewhere and all it takes was a good doctor to be able to find and interpret them. And the Doc was an excellent Doctor.  
  
The doors to sickbay opened and Tom walked in and sat himself on a biobed without a word. The Doctor ran a tricorder over him to check Tom's latest condition. There wasn't much of a change his temperature was still far to high, blood pressure far too high, erratic brain patterns in the area of his memories and it looked like Tom wasn't eating enough. The doc put the tricorder away and refrained from giving Tom a lecture on his eating habits and taking care of himself. He'd probably given that lecture to the man on the biobed so many times that he could probably recite it from memory.  
  
"I've found a compound that will lessen the fever." He pressed one hypo to Tom's neck. And the picked up another one. "This one should stop the hallucinations." He pressed that hypo to Tom's neck. Tom was silent. The doctor looked at him carefully. Both of his hands tightly gripped the edge of the biobed until his knuckles where white. His head was tilted down looking at his feet that dangled off the side of the biobed. "Mr. Paris?" The Doctor was wondering if he was experiencing another flashback. He picked up a tricorder and scanned him but it didn't provide him with any answers. He tried another scan.  
  
"I'm sorry doc. What where you saying?" Tom said.  
  
"What happened just now?" The doctor asked and closed the tricorder.  
  
"I just zoned out for a minute. Lot on my mind." The doctor accepted that answer. Tom had probably doing a lot of thinking lately. The doctor explained to him, again what he had just put in his system.  
  
"I'd like you to remain in Sickbay so I can monitor your progress." Tom nodded and lay down on the biobed, mentally preparing himself for a long stay in Sickbay. The Doctor walked away and began softly singing. Tom just rolled his eyes. Yup, a very long stay.  
  
Late the next day. Tom was sitting up on his biobed where he had stayed most of yesterday and through the night. He was reading a data pad while the Doctor looked over the results from the last scan that he had run.  
  
"Doc I'm feeling much better. Can I go back on duty now?"  
  
"The last thing that you need is to put any unnecessary stress on your body."  
  
"Flying in a straight line is not stressful Doc." Tom said.  
  
"I'll speak with the Captain." The Doctor said and returned to his scans.  
  
"He did well on the holodeck simulations." Janeway said. She was in Sickbay with the Doctor discussing Tom's return to duty. Tom had taken simulator test and had passed. He didn't do as well as he had been before but he's been sick.  
  
"I don't think that he is quite ready to return to duty. He still has to deal with the psychological effects of the hallucinations. His concentration will not be as good as it once was until the medication has had time enough to complete its work." The doctor said.  
  
"What do you suggest?"  
  
"Very light duty no more than half a shift a day on the bridge and that is the absolute maximum, though no duty at all is my recommendation."  
  
In her ready room Captain Janeway called for the person to enter. Tom Paris strode in.  
  
"Captain, I'd like to ask you something." She nodded for him to continue. She was certain of what he would ask. "Why won't you let me go on duty?"  
  
"It's the recommendation of the CMO-"  
  
"But I took the test! I passed it!"  
  
"Yes, you did but your performance wasn't up to your usual standards." She told him calmly. Tom's current state could be called anything but calm.  
  
"I'm a little sick but I'll be better soon."  
  
"And when you are you'll be back at the helm, but not yet."  
  
"So that's it. I'm sick for a while and I'm not allowed to pilot anymore!"  
  
"You're blowing things out of proportion." Janeway warned him.  
  
"You may as well cut off my hands, for all the use I'll be to you!" he exclaimed. "I have to pilot, Captain."  
  
"The Doctor reports that you've still been experiencing so mild hallucinations."  
  
"Mild is the important word."  
  
"And what happens when you have one during a battle, when we can't risk having a pilot at the helm who is only flying with half his mind-"  
  
"I'm still a good pilot!"  
  
"But you're not good to me if you're not at your best." Tom was silent. "Work through whatever's bothering you and you'll be back at the conn in no time." She said gently. "Dismissed."  
  
"Easier said than done." He mumbled to himself as he left.  
  
For the next little while Tom was ordered to see Chakotay, the unofficial ships' councillor. Nothing ever happened in the sessions though. Oh, sure they talked, but never about anything important. Tom always jumped around the issues and never answered any questions. As the sessions wore on Tom became better and better at diverting questions. He was more his old self than ever and was giving Chakotay a sample of what he had given Harry and B'Elanna the morning of the ill-fated mission that started this whole mess. It seemed like Tom Paris was back to his old self.  
  
Not long after Tom was put back on full duty. The toxins in his blood stream had been neutralized thanks to the Doctor and he was in perfect health, physically. Despite Harry and B'Elanna's questions he would still never talk about his past, whether it be about the kidnapping, his father, or his time in Auckland-those topics where off limits.  
  
"No!" his own strangled cry woke him from sleep. A thin film of sweat covered his body and his sheets where twisted in his limbs. Several shaky breaths later he got up and went to his washroom. Splashing dome water on his face to wake him up he looked back into the bedroom at his chronometer. 0513 was the time it displayed. About five hours of sleep he thought to himself. Back to the status quo it seems.  
  
He walked back to the bed and lay back down hoping that he'd be able to get a few more hours of sleep. Garbled images flashed through his mind every time he closed his eyes. He wouldn't be getting anymore sleep tonight. He got up. "I'm never going to sleep again." It was an idle threat but compared to what sleep brought it seemed like the lesser of two evils. He walked to the window of his quarters and watched the stars slip by. Everything was back to how it was before. He looked back at the bed briefly. Seventy-thousand light years away and not even here could he escape what haunted him.  
  
THE END 


End file.
